Depressed Asperger's Thoughts and Whatever

 

And for some reason, I can't do anything and the COVID-19 doesn't help anyone, either, that is, doesn't help people. Humans had it coming.

My internet friends are always rooting for me. I love them. Which led me to post an update status because I believed the people that follow/ed me deserve it. My brother called me. Yep. Because I had written in my post that not even my brother believed me. Instead of calling to check up on me for once, he called me to tell me he felt WRONGED. No. Me and my mom were the ones that were WRONGED. It goes back more than 2 years, but in these 2 years he moved out and only called me or messaged  me to do errands for him. "You don't respond to my messages" - because they're errands, what am I supposed to say? I just do them as I'm told to do, because even though he missed the point of everything I STILL LOVE HIM VERY MUCH, growing up with him was a blast and he was always kind and I ALWAYS idolized him. I'd talk to my friends about my brother's good grades, how good he was at every sport, how good he was at games and how I loved to watch him play gam...

Not trying to be edgy but I guess this is  kinda edgy. Ever since I was a child I've had a void in me. I was always chasing after objects, people, trying to fill it. But it never closes, just keeps getting bigger.

In a land far far away, somewhere I don't like to go: a Church I had to go attend my nephew's baptism, keeping family ties blah blah blah. All was good until we all go eat at a restaurant they've reserved and they're like: I just hung down my head in shame, I have no answers to give... They always put me on the spot and I hate it. I don't hate them, but it's really frustrating and it makes me feel worse about myself.

YAY Ok, so... it's peace for 2 weeks without them around! People must think I'm horrible but I'm just looking forward to no screaming/yelling. (︶ω︶) They also don't care about me anyway, they did a lot of bad things to me and my mom talked to them about my condition and they didn't care either. We've been trying to get them to go with us just once to an appointment with my therapist but they always have excuses because they don't care. My brother is the same. My mom says it's because he used to be shy but I don't know, he used to work where my old psychiatrist worked and I always begged him to meet him but he always refused to... he also once said he doesn't believe in things like depression. The only person that cares enough is my mom. And, even though my dad was never very present in my life, he went to some appointments with me. I know he loved me and he wanted me to be happy. Now I only have my mom and internet friend...

It's probably just part of going to bed late. I'm just feeling like a potato, a very sad melting potato. Why do I keep doing the same mistakes. Bad potato! (me)

Expectations and Pressure are not only exclusive to family, I had a lot of expectations for myself and find that I'm always pressuring myself. 5 Year old me would break into tears seeing me now.

I totally don't want the time to pass. Makes me sad. I'm scared of getting older. At this point what gets me to live is Visual Novels, GxG ones, I hate VNs like the Sakura ones, just about "carnal desires" and nothing else, these kind of VNs are the worst I have ever played. The characters are plain in personality, the plots are boring and it just makes me sad most of the GxG VNs are like that. It seems there's lots of good Kinetic VNs GxG but I like having choices. A lot of times it's a struggle finding VNs, especially since I have no money so most of the times I play the free ones or play them cracked. I know it's horrible to not support the devs but I don't have the money for such spending... They make me feel loved and in love, the purest kind. How could I not love them? It's sad they're not real. I'm very lonely, but that loneliness fades at least for a short while, while reading the VNs. What a sad existence...

My house is in renovations, the noise is crazy for me. It amps up all the bad things. I don't like being like this, I'm rude to everyone around and just want to be left alone.

I want the power to go get a driver's license. But I don't have the courage or motivation or inspiration or w/e. I hate myself Don't actually harm yourself!