I went to my nephew's baptism
In a land far far away,
somewhere I don't like to go: a Church
I had to go attend my nephew's baptism, keeping family ties blah blah blah.
All was good until we all go eat at a restaurant they've reserved and they're like:
I just hung down my head in shame, I have no answers to give...
They always put me on the spot and I hate it.
I don't hate them, but it's really frustrating and it makes me feel worse about myself.
That's actually similar to how I get sometimes. It used to be all the time, but I've been working to improve how I feel around other people. At work, I talk on the phone a lot. I stumble over words but I somehow get through it. I started talking more to random people, saying "hi" to strangers, and making small talk with people at the store who I see every week. I still think the wedding next month will be a disaster, but at least I'll do better than the last social occasions I went to.
ReplyDeleteI went to a Super Bowl part this year and fake smiled and laughed, while pretending like people actually cared I was there (my mom invited me).
When I was younger I used to visit my great aunt and play Scrabble with her every summer. Every year, she writes me a Christmas card with a long ass page long message. She's been sick and we visited her last year for the first time in about ten years. I barely said a word to her the whole time because I was too nervous and didn't want to disappoint her compared to the memory she had of me. This last Christmas and birthday, she didn't send me a card.
This is pretty much what happens even at some family gatherings. I try to look past these and work on the future, so I do better next time, or maybe the time after that, or maybe at my funeral. Fuck life. All you can do is try to improve. So, that's what I do. Just saying, it happens to a lot of us, but know that it doesn't have to be that way.
I hung my head because I know what they were saying was right... but I'm supposed to be taking small steps. But I can't take it. Yet I do nothing.
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