Depressed Asperger's Thoughts and Whatever

 

And for some reason, I can't do anything and the COVID-19 doesn't help anyone, either, that is, doesn't help people. Humans had it coming.

My internet friends are always rooting for me. I love them. Which led me to post an update status because I believed the people that follow/ed me deserve it. My brother called me. Yep. Because I had written in my post that not even my brother believed me. Instead of calling to check up on me for once, he called me to tell me he felt WRONGED. No. Me and my mom were the ones that were WRONGED. It goes back more than 2 years, but in these 2 years he moved out and only called me or messaged  me to do errands for him. "You don't respond to my messages" - because they're errands, what am I supposed to say? I just do them as I'm told to do, because even though he missed the point of everything I STILL LOVE HIM VERY MUCH, growing up with him was a blast and he was always kind and I ALWAYS idolized him. I'd talk to my friends about my brother's good grades, how good he was at every sport, how good he was at games and how I loved to watch him play gam...

Not trying to be edgy but I guess this is  kinda edgy. Ever since I was a child I've had a void in me. I was always chasing after objects, people, trying to fill it. But it never closes, just keeps getting bigger.

So, late/early blogging again......... I got into this song through memes but I found myself relating to this song because I have been feeling really frustrated... I even kicked some furniture. Felt good to kick it but it's not like it's gonna change anything.

In a land far far away, somewhere I don't like to go: a Church I had to go attend my nephew's baptism, keeping family ties blah blah blah. All was good until we all go eat at a restaurant they've reserved and they're like: I just hung down my head in shame, I have no answers to give... They always put me on the spot and I hate it. I don't hate them, but it's really frustrating and it makes me feel worse about myself.

It's probably just part of going to bed late. I'm just feeling like a potato, a very sad melting potato. Why do I keep doing the same mistakes. Bad potato! (me)

Expectations and Pressure are not only exclusive to family, I had a lot of expectations for myself and find that I'm always pressuring myself. 5 Year old me would break into tears seeing me now.

What do other people do when bored? I have a lot of stuff but no motivation at all for anything. 🤷‍♀️ I tried to collect only the things I was missing but the hole in my heart just kept getting bigger.

Thus I write here something. I just spent my day depressed not doing anything. All I did was stare at my screen and try to look for something to do. To no avail because I've grown bored or don't have the energy/motivation to play a game. Yep, I do this all day...... more often than not, it's not a Lonely Sunday exclusive.

I want the power to go get a driver's license. But I don't have the courage or motivation or inspiration or w/e. I hate myself Don't actually harm yourself!