Today's feelings.
My thanks to coffee.
I went to bed at 4AM and couldn't fall asleep until 6~7AM. Not the first time, I always feel like a corpse the morning after. But, just 1 COFFEE! Wakes me up and keeps me functional.
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Vacation for my late dad's family!
YAY Ok, so... it's peace for 2 weeks without them around! People must think I'm horrible but I'm just looking forward to no screaming/yelling. (︶ω︶) They also don't care about me anyway, they did a lot of bad things to me and my mom talked to them about my condition and they didn't care either. We've been trying to get them to go with us just once to an appointment with my therapist but they always have excuses because they don't care. My brother is the same. My mom says it's because he used to be shy but I don't know, he used to work where my old psychiatrist worked and I always begged him to meet him but he always refused to... he also once said he doesn't believe in things like depression. The only person that cares enough is my mom. And, even though my dad was never very present in my life, he went to some appointments with me. I know he loved me and he wanted me to be happy. Now I only have my mom and internet friend...
Late night, or early day posting.
I totally don't want the time to pass. Makes me sad. I'm scared of getting older. At this point what gets me to live is Visual Novels, GxG ones, I hate VNs like the Sakura ones, just about "carnal desires" and nothing else, these kind of VNs are the worst I have ever played. The characters are plain in personality, the plots are boring and it just makes me sad most of the GxG VNs are like that. It seems there's lots of good Kinetic VNs GxG but I like having choices. A lot of times it's a struggle finding VNs, especially since I have no money so most of the times I play the free ones or play them cracked. I know it's horrible to not support the devs but I don't have the money for such spending... They make me feel loved and in love, the purest kind. How could I not love them? It's sad they're not real. I'm very lonely, but that loneliness fades at least for a short while, while reading the VNs. What a sad existence...
You depict your depression as a spirit holding you back from what you want to do. If you don't stand up to it, it won't ever go away. It masquerades as your own thoughts, and I think acknowledging what you want to do versus what it tells you you want to do is a good first step. The next is to dissociate from it. It's difficult, I know, but it's not holding you back so much as your unwillingness to take a stand is doing so.
ReplyDeleteIt's the cycle that makes me unwilling (and other stuff) but hey I'm trying.
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